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HOLIDAY STRESS
There are some things that even the most organized and disciplined women fear. I am one of those women, and the winter holidays scare me to death. The season starts out with a bang. Our children dress up in adorable little costumes and set out, plundering the neighborhood, and returning with bagfuls of loot. If I have been a good girl, if I have practiced self-control and abstained from sweets all year, then this is usually the last straw. By the end of October I have denied myself far too long. I have loyally sweated along to Buns of Steel on my exercise mat in the living room, and day after day closed my eyes so I can blunder past the ice cream on my way to the frozen spinach. My children don't have a chance. My hands are in their bags before they can shout no - desperately grappling for a Snicker's or a Hershey's- and thus it begins, the time of year when we celebrate love, joy, peace, giving and gorging.
Once the dam has broken there is no turning back. My family collaborates on the Thanksgiving dinner and as always I am the designated dessert person. After a meal piled high with turkey, yams, mashed potatoes and gravy, there will be four pies made from scratch and brimming with fruit and spices, split between five adults with a hefty helping of homemade whipped cream. I eat my share and after the day is done I will sleep. I feel guilty but will walk it off while Christmas shopping tomorrow.
Ah yes, despite my planning and seemingly endless amounts of lists Christmas always comes more quickly than I expect. My husband and I have a massive card list this year. Pictures of the kids have to be printed to put inside each card, along with handwritten personalized messages. Family gift boxes go across the country and over seas, as well as gift packages to select friends. Last year our friends received boxes overflowing with chocolate grahams, bottles of blackberry eggnog, festive little glass ornaments and handmade rag-dolls. My personal standards demand that each year be even better than the last. Shall I whip up a batch of marshmallows and mix some hot chocolate? Maybe bake some pistachio meringues and hand-sew kittens with red ribbons tied at their necks? Care will go into the wrapping as well, with bows and bells and crinkled tissue paper gently nestling our offerings.
Sometime, about halfway through December, everything starts spinning. I begin to realize that I'm a virtual Martha Stewart, caught in this yearly cycle of overachievement, smiling and baking as I teeter on the brink of a nervous breakdown. And then, as always, Christmas day will quickly come and go. Gifts will be given, decorations neatly boxed and labeled, and the tree out front to be carried away. I will be twenty pounds heavier, bone tired and desperately in need of a manicure.
When the New Year comes I will harshly critique the previous year. I will acknowledge my accomplishments and strive to understand my failures. I will resolve to do better and once again I will pick up that half finished book and begin a grueling exercise routine. My children will laugh and play around my legs and I will ponder, maybe Christmas isn't all it cracked up to be, but there is magic in the learning, and in the making of memories, and in the practice each year to be more efficient, to keep a better schedule, and to cherish those rare intimate evenings when all my family is curled up in front of the Christmas tree with carols playing and lights twinkling- when for just a few precious moments all the cares of this world seem to fade away.
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| This is the love that I’ve lost
This is the hope that I’ve gained
When I looked in your eyes
And saw my life was in vain
Such a pitiful moment
Years of clinging to you
I finally let you go and feel myself
Falling. Falling.
This is the look of me flailing
This is the trophy I’ve won
Ten times I've seen you go
And dreamt I’d have your son
Nothing to come back to
Simply emptiness and grief
All the desperation in this cry
I finally let you go and feel myself
Falling. Falling.
This is me here in a downpour
This is my fist towards the sky
Then I fall onto weak knees
Where I tremble and I sigh
That bright day was a blessing
Sun shone from out of the clouds
A dove came and rested
I finally let you go and feel myself
Falling. Falling.
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01. I am against abortion.
02. I'm obsessed with high heels.
03. I'm have a younger brother
04. I am a shopoholic.
05. I love dangly earrings.
06. I am an aries.
07. I buy from Anthropologie
08. I drink Postum.
09. I can't live without mascara.
10. I want to live in New Zealand.
11. I read the Bible.
12. I find certain cars sexy.
13. I’ve never attended a school.
14. I can never have enough shoes.
15. I get annoyed easily.
16. I have 2 kids.
17. I love jazz.
18. I’ve loved so hard I cried.
19. I love horses.
20. I like to be in charge.
21. I am happily married.
22. I wish I could sing great.
23. I love taking pictures.
24. I try to be genuine
25. I can be mean when I want to.
26. My dreams often come true.
27. My birthday is april 9.
28. I collect vintage dresses.
29. I read to relax.
30. I dress how I feel that day.
31. I prefer the beach in the evenings.
32. I see crying as a sign of weakness
33. I hate when people are late, but i'm late all the time
34. I procrastinate a lot.
35. I spend my free time doing community service.
36. I wear Sexy by Victoria's Secret
37. I love to sleep.
38. I wish I was smarter.
39. I love the rain.
40. I listen to Ace of Base.
41. I get rid of stomach aches by brushing my teeth.
42. I would like to highlight my hair red.
43. I wear clothes that coordinate with my car.
44. I like to bake.
45. I hate feeling rejected.
46. I'm excited for the future.
47. I want to make a difference.
48. I can't wait till I’m 40
49. I love Haagan Dazs ice cream
50. I play in the shower
51. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
52. I am fiercely loyal
53. I have never broken a bone.
54. I am not racist.
55. I don't get along well with my computer.
56. I love guys that play the guitar.
57. I like to play dumb.
58. I am often depressed.
59. I dance to let go
60. I love to sing.
61. I enjoy paying bills.
62. I don’t like Victoria’s Secret
63. Dancing while I cook makes my food turn out better
64. I love snow
65. I can’t watch scary movies
66. I want to go to Greece.
67. The only test I have ever studied for was the ACT.
68. I love God.
69. I am too forgiving.
70. I get lost all the time
71. I graduated high school in 2000
72. I like to flirt.
73. I like roses.
74. I love kisses on the forehead.
75. White is my preferred color
76. I designed my own wedding dress.
77. I want to go to France.
78. I love black & white movies
79. I played piano for 8 years.
80. I become stressed easily.
81. Audrey Hepburn is my fashion icon
82. I wear my pajamas all day.
83. I like the name Isaac Raine.
84. I love the smell after it has rained.
85. I love my family.
86. I am an old fashioned homemaker
87. I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things.
88. I am learning to play the drums.
89. Failure is not in my dictionary.
90. I am a trained abstinence presenter
91. I would love to have my own fashion line.
92. I can be quite selfish.
93. I still act like a little kid.
94. I hate country music.
95. I would like to collect original watercolors.
96. My music of choice is EuroDance
97. I go out of my way to do nice things for people.
98. Receiving a handwritten note makes my day
99. I have problems letting go of people.
100. I don't like mushrooms | | |
| i wish for bright stars in the skies
love signs in your eyes
no dream that compares
catches me unawares
pink fields and soft clouds
i wish for you. | | |
| The house was big and old. As I pulled into the driveway I tried not to notice the peeling yellow paint and overgrown hedges. My eyes scanned the pointy designs along the ancient balconies, and I noticed for the first time a circular window where the attic must be. The sky was cloudless and blue as I stepped out of the car and let my mind wander back to early childhood- and the stories that my brother would make up about this place being haunted. I tried desperately to dismiss the nervous feeling in my stomach and pull myself together for the visit that I looked forward to with such apprehension but wouldn’t have missed for the world. The door creaked gently as I slowly pushed it open, and as I stepped into the dark, familiar hallway memories flooded my mind. To me, this house had always been here, and my great-grandparents had always lived here, and even thought it was hard for me to visit, I still loved this mysterious old place and the people living inside.
As I sat down at the kitchen table Grandma Dot poured me a cup of coffee. I hadn’t seen her in over a year and we had a lot of catching up to do. Sometime during our conversation I heard slow shuffling footsteps coming down the hall and as the door swung open I saw my great-grandfather. As he slowly made his way through the kitchen, I suddenly realized with shame and regret that in my entire life I had never really talked to him, and was prompted to follow him into the other room and make the effort.
At first our conversation was difficult, but the longer we talked the easier it became and soon I realized that all these years that I had never bothered to get to know my great grandfather had been wasted, because there was so much that I could learn from him! Talking to Lattie Pop was like talking to somebody from a completely different place and time. He had so many interesting things to tell me and as he spoke of places he had been and things he had done I imagined myself there living the things he had experienced. I was the one going into the top-secret laboratory during World War 2 to invent things for the military. I was the handsome young man who was considered the catch of the town and the desire of every young lady’s heart. I was someone who was such an incredible genius but still knew how to find pleasures from the simple things in life, like a soft kitten or pretty flowers.
I can imagine all these things, but I can never really go back there. And maybe that is part of the reason God gives us great-grandparents, to take us to those places where we can’t go and to remind us of times past. After that day going to see my great-grandparents became not a chore, but an expedition. Every story that they told me was a new adventure that left me sitting on the edge of my chair and holding my breath just a little.
The memories that I hold of those two special people living in their big old house are memories that I will hold dear to my heart through the rest of my life. Though our visits were few and far between they are brilliant points that stand out in my childhood. I know he wasn’t perfect, but he showed me his better side. The stories Lattie Pop told me are the stories I will tell my son, and he in turn will brag to everyone he knows about the man he would like to be.
I stand in that living room now gazing at the ragged couch where I spent so many afternoons playing with his gadgets and learning about electricity. It is a warm afternoon and I hear birds singing softly outside. The smell of his tobacco fills the room as I close my eyes and pray that he is in a better place.
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