New Years Eve, forced to celebrate the end of something...as we counted down to midnight I flicked through the past year in my mind, wondering what, exactly, I had achieved, whilst running around this huge strange house, searching for the boy I was to kiss at midnight, two mugs of Moet in my hand...I found him in the garden, alone, and into the new year we went, two strangers in eachothers welcome, drunken arms. This was the second party of the night I had graced, and had no intention of stopping. By four am, I was on the bathroom floor, consoling a friend, no longer able to keep herself together. Seriously, happy fucking new year kids! We may only be sixteen, but life already seems too much!

I was happy though. A new year is quite a good time to start again with everything. My resolution this year will not be a negative one, nor one filled with empty promises to pressure me...I want to finish this book I've been writing. Maybe, somewhere along the lines, I can also... stop being such a slut///stop being so used///stop using people///start listening///make something meaningful///visit my grandfather in Switzerland more///send letters///get a job///write more///eat considerably less......

My mother met the dear boy today...it was strange and so official...I just got back home from a party that started last night...ahhhh I am a mess, and have a number of strange things in my birdsnest of hair. Oh fuck it. I am fucked today, and got too close to someone dangerous- luckily the boy was not there, lucky none of the people at this party knew him....I wish I could be strong and brave and not a mess....haven't checked my weight, but haven't eaten much until now and so I can hope a little for a smaller number tomorrow. fuck fuck fuck everything. Everything is complicated, I am acting, I am acting I am acting, nothing in my life has substance, nothing seems realistic, nothing clear or simple. Nothing is what it's meant to be- I want to be with him, in his arms, and I know he wants this too, but I am struggling to let the dear boy in, even after he met my difficult, questioning mother.

sunday- visit S in rehab, bring DVDS....monday, convince SH that she is thin enough...tuesday, work till i fall asleep on the page...wednesday, pick up O from therapy and hospital...thursday, drink with J and L......friday, lose control with D, saturday, fuck T all night.....I can't live like this anymore.

My life seems to be such a false performance...I never lie, but to be honest, I can see why people think I do. I mean, come on! how can my life be real to others? I struggle to belive I live it myself.

I think I should start to write again- properly write. I think it would be nice, especially for you, so that we can stay in touch. I think it would help me, too- to have someone to let down if I fail, people to tell me they get me, people to read me, or maybe just ignore me. But at least I will tell people truthful things again, at least a few people in this big world will know who I am, and not the person I create for reality.

"I did not mean to burn you down"- a line from a song my band just wrote and recorded...it's about a boy somebody once broke, and how they killed their spirit. Last night, these words seemed to repeat themselves into my own reality. I left a cruel drunken message with the boy, and today, he told me his grandparent had died, and that he had more on his mind than simply his own pleasure. I apologised, but I don't think we will talk again. It is such a shame that I must pass him daily in the corridor at school- nothing can be final.

Toast and mushrooms, Strawberry wine- we did have fun, smoking and not noticing the snow, sharing beds with strangers; keeping out the cold, keeping in the comfort. I am very fat though, and it is quite scary. I have never ever ever been so heavy- 120 lbs. I renewed my gym membership today, and got a painkiller subscription for my knee pain so that I can work out properly again. New rules- 500 kcal a day limit- and one day down, things are going fine, but that's easy because I just started. My mother knows my weight now, and kindly told me that she wold help me lose 14 lbs- I told her I would stop at this- ha, if only she knew what I wanted to be.