I told you a secret I had told only one other person before you. I trusted you to understand. We might not have been friends for very long, but I felt a kinship with you. I thought we bonded. I really wanted our friendship to be one of those that last a lifetime (probably from having so few of those in my past).

But I guess it was onesided. I wasn't important enough for you to remember that secret. To understand what it meant. To realize that making jokes about it, as if I wanted my life to change like it did that night, might hurt me.

Yet I still held onto that belief. That maybe it was a slip up. That you did want to be my friend.

But maybe it's my fault. I was expecting too much out of someone I just met. That maybe I really wasn't worth being a friend to, for some people, and I needed to accept that and move on. But I don't want to do that. I want to confront you. Yell at you. Call you a fucking bitch. And tell you that you hurt me. You remind me of my best friend in elementary school, that before splitting up into cars said "I don't want to go with her, I'm always stuck with her" about me - letting how other people view you through the company you keep prevent you from being friends with someone that needs you.

But I can't confront you. I'm too scared that if I do, I'll only realize that my fears were true. That you really don't want to be my friend. And that you'll gossip with your friends about how silly I am (not that I'm not paranoid enough to worry you're already doing this).

What's so wrong with me that you don't want to be friends with me, while you're so willing to be friends with those people that don't seem to be very good friends to you. I want to be your friend. I want to know that the good person I see you as isn't just imaginary in my head, because I believe that is who you are.

If you want to be my friend, please IM me. You know my screenname, even if you don't ever seem to IM me first. And if you don't want to be my friend... IM me anyways, just so I know. I don't want you to be polite for my sake. Heck, you can even call my cellphone and talk to me there or leave me a message.  I don't care.  I just want to know what's going to happen.

Summer went okay.  I had a job at a Boyscout camp.  I loved the camp.  The staff... less so.  It's really my fault.  I didn't drag a buddy with me when I went so I knew no one there.  It didn't help that I was stuck far off in cabins, and never really spent time with the people down there.  And I suck at meeting people on my own.  I did meet a lot of really  cool people and wish I still had their contact.  I have a few, which is good.

Broke up with Craig while at camp.  Mom is surprised he doesn't hate me, as am I.  I'm very sorry about how badly I hurt him and how bad of a friend I've been.  But it wasn't intentional.  It wasn't like I sat there at camp and went "Hmm. Craig is the only person from NSU that stuck with me all year and didn't ditch me ever and forget about me.  What's the best way I can hurt him the most?"  but we're still friends.  And I'll still be staying at his house for Mechacon (although I am making sure if things get too hard for him that I have another place to stay).

Meet some guys at camp.  Almost dated one of them that I had a bit of a crush on (shh) but that didn't fall in place correctly.  Was sad but mostly at myself for that.  He quit camp early on anyways so atleast no awkwardness there.  I just hope he still wants to talk to me.  Wouldn't be the first guy who didn't.

Some other crappy stuff happened at camp.  No details needed, atleast not here.  (Curious? Talk to me.)  But it bothered me.  I didn't tell anyone that needed to know.  Got caught out at night with one of the few people I could tell and well... we got fired for being together even though we weren't doing anything wrong.  But that was for the best as it resulted in me talking to the nurse and going home and having a good talk with my parents.

Not returning to NSU.  No point.  Plus mom doesn't like me being so far away.  So I'm going to be going to Quad C (local college) for this semester and then transfering to UNT in the spring.  Wee.  Decent education, here I come :D

Oh, that person that I got fired with? Jesse.  He lives like 20 minutes from me.  My dog likes him (as do my parents).  He likes my eyes.  He's also Catholic and dating him has been a major change from anyone else I've been with.  I like the difference (even if part of me hates it ;) ).

Oh. Side note to those that might be interested.  Austin Lott has graduated from Basic Training.  He went to the other training thing to work with Supplies and when that's done he'll be off to Iraq.  Wish him luck and send lots of prayers his way.  He needs them.