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RideTheSquirrel
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Name: Andrew
Birthday: 12/15/1984
Gender: Male
Interests: Judy Ann Corsi. She's always been who makes me feel like I'm succeeding in life.
Expertise: I'd like to think music.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message me
AIM:  ISlurmsMaKenzieI
Member Since:
12/25/2004
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| Happiness is only real when shared...I still love you...
I just want you to be back...and I can't be without you. :(
I never thought I'd get to the point where I'd be like this, but I "need" you. I was/am lying to myself when I said I didn't need you... Uuugghhh
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| Ugh, I just want to rewind to 6 months ago. I miss you so much... :-\ I'm so patheticly in love with you still. Even though my heart knows you're gone.
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| How could you?I can't believe you're doing this to me.
I feel so betrayed.
So robbed.
How can you live with yourself?
Look at what you're becoming...don't do this to yourself.
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| Life is horrible...It's been almost 2 weeks and I still feel horrible.
I love her so much. Why won't she come back? I can barely handle this... I need help, but I've got no one.
I've lost so much. I don't want to live the rest of my life without you, Judy.
I'm a fool to think that I can try to get over you.
I am a Tiger caught in the wild, and throw into a small cage. I just can't survive this way.
I ask for anyone to come and help me, but the only one I want is Judy Ann.
This still hurts so much...
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|  | Currently Listening
First Day of My Life
By Melanie C.
First Day of My Life. (Oddly enough, this song means a lot to me right now with the potential for this waiting)
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Thoughts about life as of right now.So, lets begin this with me giving some background info. I know nobody in their right mind has any idea I even have this blog so I am in the safe assumption that the person this is about probably won't find this until she has decided what she needs to decide and that I am back in her loving presence.
At the beginning of July I made a decision in life. I made the decision that Judy Ann Corsi is the one for me for the rest of my life and I decided to take the necessary steps to make it permanent. However, I let no one in on this. I sold my motorcycle, quite possibly (next to Judy of course) the most favorite thing of mine EVER in my entire life, I sold my 4Runner (loved that too) and a slew of other things (Tenor Saxophone, Computer, Subs + Amp) so that I can get a vehicle that gets great mileage and have a thousand or so left-over.
Now why was I doing that you ask? Well thats because I had a grand plan. My plan was to get rid of all the luxuries in my life so I could get an apartment with Judy before this coming school year, and ask her to marry me. I got a Ford Ranger 4 cyclinder pick up truck (first 4 cylinder I've ever owned!) and an engagement ring! I had planned it all out. I was going to wait for Judy to work a 4-8 PM shift at work sometime and I was going to sneak over to her house and talk to her parents (ya know, to ask them if it was alright if I asked their daughter for marriage.) and then leave for like 30 minutes until she got home from work, ect. Then I was going to ask her a week or so later (if I coudl even hold out that long!) Judy had always said how it would be awesome if we could live together because she didn't want to get married without living together first to see how it works out, ect.
I even started working out daily and eating healthy so I could be in shape for both of us! I know she most likely doesn't like a fat boyfriend, and I wouldn't want a fat girlfriend, so I was eating grapes instead of chips and having things like chicken and tuna instead of eating burgers and hotdogs. I've had to date only been doing this naturally for 6 days now, but have lost 5 lbs and I just feel happier and alot better than I did when I wasn't working out.
So as you can see I had just gotten the ball rolling about a week ago. Then suddenly, and this breaks my heart to think about it, Judy told me (out of nowhere) that she needed time to think about our relationship because she didn't feel affection for me. She said numerous times that she still loves me very much, and I don't doubt that one bit, but that she just could fake affection for me. As of this writing we have been "not together" since Friday. I have galdly given her everything she's asked for during this trial for us. I like to think that we're still together, it's just one of those things when you just need to give the other in the relationship time to be "free" and decide whether they're really ready to be together forever.
She didn't know any of these plans until I told her, as a grown man breaking down into nothing, asking her to please reconsider this decision.
Almost all of me thinks that she will be back. After 2 and a half years, out of our experiences we have had the greatest times of MY life together! I'm pretty sure she has had alot of great times too. I just hope that she remembers, sometimes affection comes and goes in a relationship. I talked to my mother (in a serious conversation) for the first time in YEARS, and she told me of things she learned about relationships since she's been in 3 that have failed. She said one of the things she's learned is that affection comes and goes, just like you have ups and downs in relationships. I was told that if something is unbalanced, or if two people are at two different places in their relationship, then the stress will come in one form or another. She said she even just recently went through something like that with her boyfriend Dave. She told me that they needed to talk about some issues that they hadn't talked about it, and it solved everything.
I want more than just my mothers wisdom though. I don't question it, I just know that I have had a slew of "advice" that ranges from "She'll be back within the week! Don't worry!" to "I wouldn't "wait" and would just move on, give it a couple of weeks and see where it goes."
Here's my own personal thoughts:
I don't know how separating yourself may work for some people, but honestly how could it work in a relationship? Being separated and not talking is a bit extreme. It just seems like at the point when a couple needs to be together the most, if they separate, is the same as committing relationship suicide. However, I do know when Judy is this serious about something, hanging everything we are in the midst, then this must be what she needs.
I want to close this with a few things.
First of all, leave your thoughts, experiences, and personal feelings. I appreciate them and I would like to read them.
Secondly, I would just like to say that I almost left Judy about a year and a half ago. The minute I told her on the phone, she was driving over to my house and she came in, crying and telling me that what we have is something I won't find anywhere and that I'm the best thing she's found and that she's perfect for me. Even though I didn't feel that way at the moment, something inside of me said "Listen to her man, you know she's right!" And she was. I didn't feel much for her for about a week. But at the end of that week we were supposed to go on Vacation to drive down to Florida. We did, and I had a BLAST. She met my family and things just rocketed off from there until this last Friday.
Part of me thinks that we just needed to spend some quality time with each other going somewhere. We went to Canada a few times and had a blast the first time. The second time wasn't so much fun, but still a good time nonetheless cause we stayed on the Canadian side. Aside from that we haven't gone anywhere. Judy LOVES to travel. It just doesn't make sense to me now (as I type this) why I haven't put aside the time to go with her on a trek of our own. Hindsight I suppose, but something I can and most definitely WILL easily fix if I'm ever given a second chance.
Thirdly, as much as this hurts like no pain I've ever felt before. I want this to turn how God wants it to turn out. I have been drawn away from Church, by no fault of anyones but a busy lifestyle. Sundays I work every week in the summer. Then half the time in the winter I had school obligations and other things. I miss church and the nice people and welcoming faces. I don't know what Judy is looking for, but I hope that even though she doesn't go to church all the time (which doesn't mean anything) and even though she might not be praying for help through this, that God touch her and move her towards where He wants her to be. I also pray that the direction is towards me.
I've discovered over the last few days that life without Judy just isn't life at all. You're supposed to LIVE life, not just do what you need to for making it by. You need to take time out for the things that are most important to you, and while planning for the future is never a bad thing, appreciating and spending time with the things you have now are the most important. Because before you know it, they could be gone.
I hope that you learn a lot about yourself, us, and me through this trial that you're going through. I hope most of all, that it brings you back to me, and we can continue to rocket towards spending our lives together. And if you happen to come across this because you're feeling how I feel right now; scroll down and read the last entry on this page, of September in 2006, I will have you know I feel the SAME exact way about you still.
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