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read my profile sign my guestbook Name: Maureen Interests: Getting Leigh off drugs Expertise: Apparently not getting people off drugs Message: message me AIM: Julia514 Member Since: 8/5/2004

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Monday, July 21, 2008

This week it will have been 3 years since my dad died. 3 years is a very long time. When you date somebody for 3 years people think that is so impressive. When you have been a vegetarian for 3 years people admire your dedication. And when somebody has been dead 3 years people think its time for you to move on. I never think about that day. But its all I'm thinking about right now. So I'm going to write everything I remember in hopes that if its permanent here then it wont be permanent in my mind.

My aunt drove me to the hospital. I wanted to sleep. She told me that my dad was a lot worse than I thought but I thought she was just trying to scare me so I would stop yawning. I walked through UMC like I had so many times before but this time I went to ICU. I had never been there before. When I got there I saw my mom standing in this hallway which led to glass doors. She was talking to 3 doctors. I immediately started crying because there had never been 3 doctors before. I walked up to them and she hugged me. I dont remember any of the conversation they were having. Then they left. We had to sit in the long hallway b/c in ICU you can only visit at certain times and only 2 visitors were allowed at time. We could have gone in and sat behind the closed glass doors in the waiting room but we didnt. We sat on uncomfortable chairs. The choctow chief or somebody like that was in ICU. The entire tribe sat outside the glass doors and they each took turns going into see the chief. i went into see my dad, through the glass doors then into a glass room. I was disgusted. It did not look like my dad. HE was bloated and sweaty and disfigured looking. My mom told me to hold his hand and talk to him. I tried. I picked up his hand but it was floppy and sweaty and felt like wax. I stopped. My mom would kiss him and hold his hand and talk and I just wondered how she could do that. Nurses would come in and see me sitting in the corner and tell me that it was ok to talk to him and touch him. I asked if he could hear me and they said that he probably couldnt.

The next day our priest came and gave him last rights. My mom tried to explain to him why I was in a tshirt. It was a soccer shirt for a team that he coached me in. It was her idea for me to wear it so i didnt understand why she was apologizing for it and that is all i could think about. Then Governor Winter came in with a few other little lawyers some who I recognized some who I didnt. I sat in my chair in the corner and watched with detatched amusement as they were able to take his hand and talk to him and wondered how or why they were able to do that. I also wondered where they had been these past months while he was in the hospital---these past years. I wondered if they thought about that too, if they felt silly giving belated compliments to somebody that couldnt even hear them and wished they had come before when it would have actually meant something. They left and it was time to take him off the ventilator.

The nurse had explained that if we ever had hope of my dad being alive again he must breathe without the ventilator. So I still thought there was a chance of him living. Looking back I understand now that this was certain death. Before they took him off life support she said that sometimes it took a few minutes but sometimes it took hours and that we should enjoy the last time we had with him. Then they made us leave the room so they could take out the tube. They let us back in and left us alone. I stood by my mom and she held his hand. My brother stood across from me holding his other hand. My dad was sweating and convulsing and i thought i saw him open his eyes. I started crying and I guess I was kind of hysterical b/c my mom told me that i could leave that my dad didnt want me to see him like this. SO I left the glass doors behind crying. A nurse stopped me and asked if i was ok but i walked past her through the other glass doors and came face to face with the whole choctow tribe. I felt so embarrassed. I never make scenes and now all these people were looking at me. I went and sat in the chairs that i sat in the day before and hugged my knees. I wanted to go home. I wanted allan and my mom to come out of those glass doors and take me home away from the staring indians. But then i realized if they came out of those glass doors that that would mean my dad was dead. so then i began to pray that they wouldnt come out of those doors. that some nurse would come up to me and say "are you allan bennetts daughter? you can come back in now hes out of the woods" just like they do in all the movies and tv shows. eventually a male nurse did come by. he stopped and knelt down beside me and asked if i was allan bennetts daughter. i nodded. he remarked that he could tell b/c i looked just like him. then he said that he was sorry about my dad. i was crying but i tried to ask "does that mean hes dead" but i guess i didnt get out the words b/c he just walked away.

soon after that my mom and brother came out. they hugged me. i forgot all about how i hated to make a scene and began crying uncontrollably like i have only a few times in my life. they led me to the elevator. i screamed. i screamed in a hospital elevator "what are we going to do? what are we going to do without him?' they seemed so calm. didn't they understand that we couldn't live without him? We got off the elevator and walked into the oppressive Mississippi summer heat. The sun was shining. When we passed people I wondered how they were still walking around when my world was shattered. We got to the car, just me and my mom, who knows where Allan went. But the car was still there. We got in and the radio still played bad pop music. We drove to my house and it was still there. It seems silly now but then I thought my whole life I was going to be on that elevator always just wondering what I would do now. But here was the world still existing and here I was existing in it.

At home my aunt gave me a letter that my dad wrote before he had the stem cell transplant. The transplant was risky. Everybody knew that. The letter was short and terse. It merely said that he loved me, that i should look after my mom, and that i should think about him every once and a while. I read it and thought...this is it? this is what you left me with. He was a very verbose and eloquent man but he left me with just 3 sentences. But i knew why. He didnt think he was going to die. He never thought he was going to die. If he had known he probably would have written a fucking sonnet.

I went upstairs and laid in my bed. I listened to rent on my cd player. I had just seen the musical in new york and for some reason the disease and dying didnt seem at all related to my world at the time. My friends came over. I wondered how they all knew. How all these people knew. People brought food, flowers--people i had never seen before. Relatives came and my house was very busy. I was so busy that with even all that food around I forgot to eat and lost 5 pounds. there was always something to do. people were calling. i had to show people places. friends took me places. i was never alone. at the funeral i didnt cry. My mom cried, my brother cried, my friends cried. I was almost offended at the crying. Here all these people were saying nice things about my dad and showing how much they loved him. I felt proud not sad. The funeral was on a thursday and that monday i went to softball practice.

Eventually the people left my house. people stopped bringing food. people stopped being nervous around me when i came up to talk to them. and then i was alone. the first year after somebody dies doesn't really count i think. Everything you do is like an experiment. We used to watch ole miss football every saturday. i would laugh at how into the games he would get and he would quiz me about what was happening in the game. he said that he always wanted a son to watch football with but instead he got me. my mom would try to watch the game with us and sometimes allan would too. but it was our thing and i think they were jealous that they didnt share that with him. they couldnt make fun of him when he yelled at the tv. when they did he got mad. when i did, we both laughed. i was daddys girl. "his princess" he called me. i knew i could always talk him into anything. when i saw black lab puppies in the blockbuster parking lot, my mom said that i couldnt have one and that i was crazy. i called my dad and he said of course i could have another dog...bringing our total to 3 dogs. that fall i tried to watch ole miss football but the stale uniforms and sloppy passes brought no comfort.

we got through christmas. our christmas was nice which was strange b/c we never had nice christmases. and i took that as a sign that everything was going to be fine. of course the hardest for me is when everything is fine, when you get used to living without him. because you forget. in my british lit class at mount holyoke we had to read milton's paradise lost and then countless wordsworth poems. Before class i heard some girls talking and they said that they much preferred milton to wordsworth b/c at least milton had a plot and wordsworth was just so boring. I laughed. they looked at me, expecting a pompous counter point. but i was just thinking god i cant wait to call my dad and tell him this. we will both laugh at the kind of people that like milton more than wordsworth and those that think form is much more important than beauty. and then i cried. b/c i couldnt call my dad. we would never have that conversation. and nobody else in the world understands how funny this is except me.

i feel ok posting this on xanga b/c nobody uses it anymore. and if they do they certainly wont read all of that. but if by chance you did and you are reading this now i really hope you didnt understand anything i said. I really hope that your annoying, over protectve, imperfect parents are alive and that even if you dont talk everyday or ever you know that they are there. they are there to help you decide your major, listen to your stories, your career choice, your thoughts on the latest ole miss football team. i hope they die when they are 104, after you have your own life, your own family. after you dont need them so much to know who you are and who you should be.

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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

JULY 5, 2005

Ten Random Things About Me

1. I came home early tonight to get online.
2. I had a mountain dew icee today.
3. I hate slow pitch softball but have played for going on 6 years.
4. I am currently reading 3 different books.
5. I like to text a lot.
6. I dont like my mom at all.
7. For the past two days I have eaten nothing but fast food.
8. Victoria likes to make my life weird.
9. I broke the string to my fan in my room so now if I want to have the light on in my room I must also have on the fan at full blast.
10. I took down my bulliten board and am starting over.

Nine Ways to Win my Heart

1. Be able to joke
2. Accept that I am crazy
3. Think that all my quirks are kewl.
4. Like good music
5. Like to read good books.
6. Make me laugh
7. Be obsessed with me
8. Know current events
9. Text me but not insane style

Eight of my Favorite Movies

1. Rushmore
2. Almost Famous
3. Dazed and Confused
4. Ghost World
5. News Radio...?
6. um not bewitched
7. To Kill A Mockingbird
8. I dont watch a lot of movies

Seven Things That Annoy Me

1. My mother
2. My voice
3. getting back lots of coin change
4. When the mt dew icee machines get broken.
5. this goddamn college trip
6. being tired but not being able to sleep
7. when people do *67 before they call you

Six Things I want to do before I Die

1. live in new york
2. live in california
3. write a book
4. travel the world
5. marry conor
6. go to the bahamas

Five Things That I am Afraid Of

1. silence
2. hobos
3. boys
4. college
5. failure

Four of My Favorite Items in My Room

1. my down comforter
2. my rosary
3. picture of me, victoria, and aman where we all look like we're 7
4. cds

Three Things I do Everyday

1. get online
2. listen to music
3. tell my dogs to shut up

Two Things I Want to Do Right Now

1. have a mt dew icee
2. Get a new cd

One Person I Want to see right now:

1. Victoria. i havent seen her in a while.

JULY 25 2007

Ten Random Things About Me

1. I dont drink
2. I love watching complete seasons of tv shows
3. I dont talk to dusty anymore :(:(:(
4. I am a bad singer but i like to sing when im alone
5. One time i got a restraining order against somebody
6. I go to college in massachusetts
7. I am the only person from mississippi at my college
8. My hair is naturally blonde but i dye it brown
9. I am obsessed with puppies
10. I hate snow and cold

Nine Ways to Win my Heart

1. Be sarcastic and deal with sarcasm well
2. Tell me I'm beautiful
3. Help me with all the stupid little things i have to do
4. Hold me close
5. Play with my hair
6. Accept that i am always right (hahaha)
7. Be honest always
8. Say sweet things for no reason
9. Text me BUT TOTALLY INSANE STYLE YEAHUH

Eight of my Favorite Movies

1. Rushmore
2. Almost Famous
3. Dazed and Confused
4. Scooby Doo
5. Sweet Home Alabama
6. Gone with the Wind
7. To Kill A Mockingbird
8. School of Rock

Seven Things That Annoy Me

1. My mother!!! times 10000000
2. When I didnt have a car at school.
3. when it snows in april
4. That school hasnt started yet.........wahhh
5. That my bffffff lives thousands of miles awaaaay
6. when i am at school my boyfriend lives thousands of miles awaaaaay
7. when zachs phone doesnt work at his house

Six Things I want to do before I Die

1. live in new york
2. live in san francisco or la
3. have my dream wedding
4. get a good job ill enjoy
5. ski!
6. go on a cruise

Five Things That I am Afraid Of

1. my mom
2. frost bite
3. umass boys
4. huge spiders
5. snakes

Four of My Favorite Items in My Room

1. my down comforter
2. bed
3. i am never in my room.........eh clothes
4. more clothes

Three Things I do Everyday

1. text a lottttt
2. watch tv
3. eat an obscene amount of food

Two Things I Want to Do Right Now

1. take a nap
2. eat!

One Person I Want to see right now:

1. Zaaaaach!

1:43 PM - 4 views - add eprops - add comments - email it

Friday, April 20, 2007

i am bored!

*a b o u t y o u - g i r l s.<3*
Name::	Julia
Age::	19 sweet god I am very old
Birthdate::	5-14
Birthplace::	Jackson Mississippi
Location::	south hadley mass
Appearence
Hair Color::	brunette!!!
Eye Color::	green
Weight::	lalala i dont really weigh myself but last time i did i weighed 112 so somewhere around there
Height::	5'1
Braces?:	i used to
Glasses/contacts?:	no but SUPPOSEDLY i need them but i dont think i do
Freckles?:	i dont have many but i think they are cute
Scars?:	i have a big one on my leg and two on my hand, and my cool face scars yehuh!
Style::	comfy
Favorite
Food::	chinese! shrimp fried rice
Drink::	cherry coke, orange fanta
Store(s)::	any store that i can look at online.
Color(s)::	green blue pink
Shoe Brand::	eh i like my jessica simpson shoes im not really a shoe person
Clothing Brand(s)::	jcrew, uo
Purse Brand(s)::	um ok well for graduation my mom said she wwould get me a chanel purse. that did not happen but i am obsessed with them
This/That:
Coke/Pepsi::	coke
Bikini/One Peice::	bikini. apparently up here that is strange
Love/Money::	love
Resturant/Fast Food::	hmmm damn. depends. any food. i never get fast food here i miss taco bell so freaking bad
Boy/Girl::	boys
Pop/Water::	coke...
Dogs/Cats::	DOGS
Abercrombie/Walmart::	walmart i refuse to shop at abercrombie (that doesnt mean i dont make my mom go there for me)
Night/Day::	days! when its sunny and pretty
Sun/Rain::	SUN OH MY GOD i have not seen the sun for months
Have You Ever
Cried in school::	yup
Laughed so hard you peed::	um eh no
Seen your best friend naked::	all the time...alex is very comfortable with her body
Taken a shower with someone::	yup!! i hate to waste water...
Been drunk::	yesterday ;)
Smoked::	also yesterday ;)
Cried on someones shoulder::	zachs. he likes it though. he punches me just so i will cry on his shoulder
Let someone cry on your shoulder::	sam when her and tim b/c the end
Slept in bed with same sex::	i have before...not lately
Used the bathroom in front of a friend::	yup
Do You
Smoke:	nope
Do Drugs:	nope
Drink:	nope
Cry often:	yes and i dont know why i am obsessed with it. actually i do no why it has to do with LACK OF SLEEP
Change in front of your friends:	im in college. yes.
Talk about private things with friends:	haha um yeh. mostly
In the Opposite Sex
Favorite eye color::	brown
Favorite hair color::	brown
height::	5'8
weight::	i dont know about weight i would like my boyfreind to weigh more than me however that is apparently not possible
drink/smoke::	if only i were so lucky
drugs::	nope
tatoos::	none trashy
peircings::	an eyebrown ring. jk jk jk jk jk jkjk jk hahaha
style::	relaxed. lots of blue hopefully haha
The last.
person you hugged::	alex
person you kissed::	zach
person you talked to::	my mom
time you cried::	god sometime this past week
time you laughed::	today when victoria told me bud was president of middle school
thing you bought::	SNICKERS BAR
person you yelled at::	lalalala haha guess
person you said i love you to::	my mom
person you told you they loved you::	my mom
person you hit::	zach
thing you drank::	water
thing you ate::	snickers!
Take this survey \| Find more surveys \| MySpace Surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

*Odd Facts about ME*
DO YOU SNORE?:	NOPE
LOVER OR A FIGHTER?:	a fighter
WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?:	being stung by bees
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER?:	no but i stepped on them a lot b/c my brother was a lego builder
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"?:	LOVE IT
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?:	yep thats how people know they are
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?:	i was a fatty
HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?:	not so single
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?:	silver
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?:	i used to be obsessed with that but now not so much bc i live at college
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?:	nope
ANY SECRET TALENTS?:	i am good at the ball elbow popping thing
WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?:	THE BEACH
HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI?:	um yes
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?:	um yes like 3848327498 times
DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE?:	not really
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?:	um not sure i am a biter
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?:	NOPE
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?:	yep lots
ARE SPEEDO'S HOT?:	speedont haha
WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?:	i dont care
IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?:	probably tomorrow
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?:	no its messy
WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?:	allergic to giggles
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU":	um 30 minutes ago
IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?:	YES
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?:	no
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?:	scrambled
ARE BLONDES DUMB?:	no
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?:	it escapes
WHAT TIME IS IT?:	850
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?:	little girl
IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?:	noway french fries rule
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?:	geeze very far away like 2 weeks ago-3 weeks ago
DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?:	showers
IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL?:	nope
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?:	nope
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?:	candy
CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?:	creamy
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?:	no
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?:	2
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?:	yupppppppppp
ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?:	no
HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED?:	no
WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?:	GREEN WITH BROWN
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:	this week sometime
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?:	yup
WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER?:	paris hiltons
ARE YOU PSYCHIC?:	probably NOT
HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?:	yup not that big of an obsessed fan though
DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?:	not really
CAN YOU SKATEBOARD?:	no
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?:	no
DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH?:	no
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?:	in a young girls heart how the music can free her whenever it starts and its magic...
IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?:	yup i love dogs
YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?:	thats how my religion was founded. thanks henry the 8th
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?:	no
DOES YOUR MOM KNOW YOU HAVE A MYSPACE?:	yes she is very concerned
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?:	cookie dough
DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH?:	yup
DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?:	maybe im not sure.........hahah jk
WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?:	havent seen tv since spring break
DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?:	yes!!!!
FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?:	bright eyes
Take this survey \| Find more surveys \| MySpace Surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

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Thursday, March 29, 2007

so apparently im not as nerdy as i thought. i enjoy reading but i also have had a friend before...

i love my classes and i love my professors BUT im thinking of transferring b/c my weekend activities consist of watching a bunch of nerds (like real nerds. like the nerds movie nerds are based off of) drink (and enevitably vomit on themselves as they have drunk like 2 times before) OR sit in my room and study. Obv this is an exaggeration but not completely that far off.

Well there arent ALL nerds here. There is another breed. The richest people i have ever meet in my life. "my dad likes bmws but i always thought they were for poorer people". I mean really? And of course b/c I like clothes that actually fit (i.e. my jeans are long enough to touch my shoes. not so short that when you wear jeans with flip flops your ankles show...oh oh oh) I am lumped into this category by default. Which leaves me in kind of an awkward position....b/c the nerds that i dont want to hang out with anyway dont really want to hang out with me...ehhh idk

:):):):):)

or maybe im just having a bad day.

E D I T

Wellllll Im actually feeling better about mhc. I talked to some people and they say that it gets better with time. And idk we shall see. Amanda apparently wants to go to vanderbilt for grad school. which would be kind of fun. a reunion with a friend plus thats where my dad went to grad school kind of weird. so maybe that will be kind of a cool compromise. maybe im just a complainer attending the oldest all girls school in the country cant be that bad..right?

2:11 PM - 1 view - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Saturday, March 17, 2007

	spring break... ohohoh... i was supposed to fly out of hartford through baltimore and then home. however my flight out of baltimore got cancelled. UH OH! night in a hotel sketchy guys touching my knee spring break rules.... however zach gets to drive four hours WITH MY MOM to pick me up in birmingham since there were no flights to jackson til monday :):):) he is doing this :):):):)
	3:43 PM - 1 view - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

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